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Did you know that words can actually harm or heal the health of your heart? Did you also know that a heart that is transplanted into another person, also transplants the habits and cravings of the person that it came from? The heart is an integral part of the very person we are deep down. Your words, your hatred, your bullying and your actions cause those you are targeting stress, anxiety and depression. All symptoms and issues of the heart.

Depending on the version of the bible you read, the heart is mentioned 492-830 times. Mentioned more times then wisdom, sin, praise, grace, love and belief. The heart is obviously an important part of who we are.. Without it working correctly we are dead. The blood no longer keeps us alive. It coagulates and hardens. Much as our heart does when we are treated with disrespect.

The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to break a heart. So be careful with your words.

I don’t write this to get pity and I apologize for being such a downer. But I write this for those who don’t know how difficult it is for the Gay individual to come for help, to come to Christ, to come to church.  To receive acceptance, to receive grace, to receive mercy, to receive, as well as offer forgiveness.

I pray for the change of those hearts that are hardened in hatred of those they haven’t even tried to love or understand.

Exactly two years ago to this day, I started this blog with the intention of showing people in the gay community, as well as trying to change the minds and hearts of those people; who have a clear hatred of the gay person trying to come to Christ, that yes, you can be gay and also be a Christian.

Trying to change the minds and hearts of those in the church community who have a true hatred for the gay person has cost me. As you read on, you will see that it has affected my heart, my mind, my soul and my very belief that God cares.

God isn’t going to give you rewards in heaven for voicing your hatred of people, if your hatred caused them the loss of their salvation.

I am always true & honest in how I am feeling at the moment of a post. I was hoping that at this point in my life, I would be a person who had been so renewed and so in love with God and Christ that I would be in a totally different place then where I am at today, 3 1/2 years after starting my walk with God. That I would be so in love with God that the hatred of others couldn’t affect that relationship.

My hope in writing & sharing this blog, was that somehow I would make a small difference. My blog has had thousands of views from all around the world, and has a few followers; but whether I am making some little bit of difference I have no idea. People don’t comment or interact with me much, so who knows if all these hits on my blog are real or just computer bots hitting my site. Most likely it never gets seen by those in the Christian world who really need a dose of their hateful reality.

In sticking to my honesty policy, I am willing to show my vulnerability. Showing that this walk with God is most certainly not all peaches and roses. Nor was it ever said in the Bible that it would be. There is a real and constant struggle. A battle with not only your mind, your past, your pain & your scars, but also the forces of evil and comments and actions of hateful people around us.

I don’t think that most of the heterosexual world fully understands how difficult or lonely it can be. How their words, actions or non-actions affect us. Most people don’t even say Hi or give me much of a smile anymore. They used to, only because I was at the door on the Welcome team every Sunday, giving them a smile and welcoming them to church. Now? much of nothing. Some of those that used to say Hi, or gave me a warm hug and a sweet conversation, haven’t so much as looked at me in months. Why should they? They don’t have to deal with me anymore.. they got engaged, got married, had kids, etc… And the more time that goes by, If I can even drag myself to church, I just want to get in and get out… I no longer have an interest to serve.

I am becoming afraid of getting close to people anymore as I just get hurt. You get to know people, and things change.. they move, they become engaged, they get married, they have kids and you are no longer in their circle. They move on to the family outings and circles. Being gay.. it’s hard to be in anyone’s circle in the first place really. If you even get invited anywhere, or an opportunity comes to be in, you do a song and dance. And even then you feel as if you are forcing yourself and any kind of relationship on them, just to feel some kind of love. Or you find out thru others, how another person truly feels about you as a gay person even trying to have a relationship with God.

There are very few outings at a church that the gay person can attend. And even then, the biggest bond for church members are the family outings, which obviously without kids we would never feel comfortable attending. Obviously, being parents and having kids is a huge bonder and the in common thing for most in the church community.

I have read blog after blog of Gay Christians’ who are feeling this same loneliness and isolation.. Walking into a room of straight Christian’s only to be or feel left out of the picture. Even Gay Christians who are definitely living celibate lives, are yet still treated as dogs. Treated as though, and even being told that attraction to the same sex they are shit in God’s eyes.

At this point in my life, I honestly thought I would be a completely new person. When I say a new person, I don’t mean having gone heterosexual, but a person who would have been personally touched by God, one who would be walking the streets and sharing the Good News of Christ within the Gay community and helping to bring them to the true understanding of who God really is. (Whatever that is anymore.. I don’t know) That I would be a leader in changing hearts and minds within my very own church and beyond. But I have failed. I barely even got started. It’s impossible to do that, when you don’t feel the true joy of God, Christ or his followers.

To be honest, this year has really been a struggle. There has been a day of good here and a week of good there, but I can’t really say that I have had more then 3 weeks of joy this year. I really just wish it would all end, so I could just meet Jesus and know where I am going. Get it over with already.

I don’t think people in the religious world truly understand how difficult it is for a gay person to walk into a church setting every week. I used to feel pretty comfortable doing that, but thru recent events at church, thru the blatant hatred that I have seen come out of the mouths of the very people who say they love God, on social media, blogs, TV, radio, comments on sermons towards the Gay community that God will never accept us, can not love us, will not save us, and his kingdom is not possible for us, has really made me want to just give up, not only on God but on life…

Don’t get me wrong. I have never and will never stop believing in God and the work on the cross that Jesus did for us. If fact, I give thanks daily to him for what he has and still blesses me with daily. But what I mean is giving up on trying to change my heart. To stop being angry, to stop addictive behavior, to stop attending church, etc.. What good does it all do if you have to fight a constant battle with the very people who should be fully loving and accepting you. I don’t believe that God is all we need. He may be the chief and authority, but he created us to love others. “You are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it”. We need each other for all of it to function as God intended. We need others. We need to be loved and this is how we were created.

I guess it shouldn’t shock me that thousands upon thousands of people in the church community have a true hatred for the gay community. Their hatred for anyone that doesn’t fit within their little putrid box of what they think is their perfection. People are just assholes.. I should just try to understand that it’s a part of our natural sinful selves and broken world, and even if I could.. It still cuts at my very heart.

It amazes me even more, that these people consider themselves to be loving & Godly. How can they not understand, their hatred is the very reason that millions of people, young and old, single and married, leaders, pastors and families are giving up on God. Trust me, I know. I spent 35 years away from God for this very reason. The reason that America is going to shit is not because the immorality of anyone but you, the hateful people within the Church!!!  NOBODY wants to be a part of a God that is sold as a hateful and unforgiving God. People don’t care because you threw them out in the name of God and Christ!!

The sad thing is, the haters within church are the few, but their words are the loudest and therefore the bite of the tongue is the most hurtful.

Too many Christian’s are homophobic. I took a chance to come to your table and into your world to learn about you and this Christ you seem to love and adore so much. Why can’t you do the same for me? Why can’t you invite me to your table. † Get to know me.. The things that hurt me.. the reason’s I took the path I did. Get to know ME and you will love ME… try to understand that there is no gay lifestyle that you think pertains to every single person that is gay…What does the heterosexual lifestyle look like? There isn’t one.”

Every week within my church.. a couple is getting married, or someone is having a new child. A middle aged couples kids are going off to college, getting married or giving birth to their grandchildren. People are touched by God. Hearing from God. Being told by God to go out and do big things. People are experiencing miraculous and wonderous things. I don’t have that, I don’t feel that, or I don’t get the right to have that. Lately, I walk into church and I feel as though I am in a black hole that I can’t get out of. And lately? I sit there in anger at recent events. Wondering and knowing if there are more hypocrites around me then I thought there were before.

Oh sure.. I have had a few benefits of walking with God.. Almost two years ago (Nov 17th 2013), I was literally cured overnight of my addiction to alcohol and cigarettes. I woke up that morning and the cravings and giving into those cravings every day before for 10 years were just gone, never to even cross my mind again. Do I truly feel that God has ever spoken to me or anyone for that matter? Or do people just think that to make their good decisions feel better to them. Honestly? Don’t know.

I have always been honest with people when I tell them that I truly hate life here on this earth. Am I suicidal? Yes and No… If I knew that I could get away with it, and still enter the kingdom of God… Yes, I would end it… Sad? Yes, but true. I see nothing really satisfactory or redeeming about this hell hole we call earth and living on it.

The words and actions of others is toxic, has hurt my heart and stains my soul deeply. For 35 years, I have tried to ignore those that told me I was destined to Hell. That God cannot love, forgive or save me. And even after 3 1/2 years of church and Bible study, It is ingrained within me and I just can’t shake it out of my very being. And now, with the passing of the legal gay marriage? I hear more and more of the hatred all over again. It’s as if the hateful Westboro Baptist Church had split off and planted more of their hate filled churches all across the country. I just can’t take it anymore… I just want it all to end… (if you have no idea who the Westboro Baptist Church is.. google it, they are the very definition of hatred).

I am sure that for the most part all of this is the constant depression that I have had to live with my entire life. Never being fully accepted. People acting in love on the outside, but when they look deep inside their own hearts and souls, they really have no acceptance of me. I get that feeling from some people in my very own church and even in my own family.

It hurts. The scars run too deep to heal, and the stains are too difficult to remove. Words of encouragement don’t help much anymore. I don’t believe in it. And those great little christian phrases that people use.. It’s in God’s hands. God has a plan… your made strong in your weakness. God is all you need. Please don’t… Not in the Bible and they don’t help those whom or are hurting. Honestly, the Christian phrases just make it worse. Prayer? If you feel like it. Not sure I believe it anymore.. I’ve received prayer and never really felt anything long term change or difference.

I apologize for being a real downer this post. Honesty though is a good policy and I am not going to polish up the Gospel as if it’s the fix all end all. IT ISN’T. I wish I could go to the bible for relief of this struggle. I have tried. Just doesn’t hit the sweet spot at all. And although I am a downer today, it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish for God to come into or bless your life. I always hope that for others.

May he bring you much Joy & Peace,

A Jef Email

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