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nameinlightsTitles can be important. The title of a blog (which I am not good at), a news article, A Title at work, but as Religion always seems to be the opposite of what we know; Is a title at church a good thing?

I have been trying to deal with an issue that because I am Gay, I am hoping for something that I can quite possibly never have or attain.

I am wholly accepted for who I am at church and shown nothing but love and respect. I serve the church weekly in many ways, and I am always readily available to help out or step in whenever or wherever needed. I get so much joy out of it. Besides, It just feels right in serving and helping others as well as God. It is always good for the soul to chip in.

When we go the extra mile where we work, we want a pat on the back. A thank you from someone. Words of praise. We expect something for it. We want promotions and titles. But at church. I don’t expect it nor do I really need it, but then lately my pride starts getting in the way. Not for the serving, but for what has been offered and what has been taken away.

I was told a few months ago that although I am hosting a bible study group in my home once a week, that I can’t be the leader. Even though nobody in this group is willing to step up and lead. That because I have a same sex partner, I won’t be allowed or even considered by the church to lead the group. Now mind you. I don’t really want to lead the group either, but I also don’t want the group to stop, so I offered.

Yes my partner and I sleep in the same bed (huge King Size by the way) usually with dogs or pillows in between us and we have been non-sexual for over 10 years. So you would think that it wouldn’t be an issue to always be used against me. But I am told, “Well if you sleep in the same bed, the temptation is too much”. Really? So the decade that we have shared a bed and haven’t hardly even touched isn’t enough? I struggle more with thoughts of having sex outside of my relationship. Just so I can touch and be touched. I know.. what a stupid statement and an oxymoron.

Funny how in the Bible, God talks about how it is better to be single, but if a man or woman can’t control themselves, then they should marry and that you shouldn’t leave your marriage. So the very high divorce rate within church isn’t an issue for leadership? The singles with significant others isn’t a problem? Are they honest about their sexual relationship? Yes.. I could lie about it, but I won’t.

1 Corinthians 7:8-11The Message (MSG)

8-9 I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

10-11 And if you are married, stay married. This is the Master’s command, not mine. If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife.

Pardon me for being blunt. My usual anger is starting to come out and show. But it must be nice to be able to have a God sanctioned marriage so because you can’t control yourself, you can marry, and have someone to help with your urge. Someone to experiment with. Someone who can hold you, cuddle you and touch you with full on love.

I don’t think that most people in the church realize just how hard it is to lead a whole life being celibate. A life of not being held. A life not being able to share with someone you care for or vice versa. Also while trying not to masterbate,  watch porn, to get relief from the strong urges and demons that continually corrupt your mind. Trying to live a life suppressing that your entire lifetime. Let’s be honest here. I am sorry but the saying that God is all that you need is a lie. If that were true, then we would all be okay with being single and Celibate.

Heterosexuals can tell me 24/7 that they understand. But you don’t. I can’t have a child that is biologically both a part of me and my partner. I can’t have God sanction my partnership. Yes. I can get married. But it will be looked down on by not only Christians but by God. And all those that I would want to invite to see me married wouldn’t come just for the mere fact it is a Gay wedding. I could go on and on. And stop telling Gay people and Gay couples that they must be celibate or leave their relationship. I am pretty sure the blood of Jesus can handle that. You aren’t doing any of them favors and you aren’t bringing anyone to God or staying with God telling them otherwise. Better to remind yourself that you got married for a reason. Because even you yourself couldn’t control yourself. How heavy is that log in your eye now?

So you ask. Why do you and your partner even stay together? Why not just end your relationship and move on? Just like a heterosexual couple, we made a commitment to stay with each other thru thick and thin, and quite honestly, I need someone in my life who cares for me, whom I care for. Someone to share moments and life with.

Sorry God, but I cannot and will not be alone. I have to have faith that the blood covers me. Why is it that the Gay man or women are excluded from the same sanctioning from God as the heterosexual. Also to be excluded from everything else in life that God says they can enjoy. And to be even more frank. I know for a fact that without my partner in my life, I would go back to drinking, probably smoking, daily porn, possibly anonymous sexual encounters and would probably not attend church much at all. I am not as strong as some of you may be.

I fully believe that God places us all with where we are at and whom we are with. Every person I have met, or left has gotten me to where I am at today. Without my partner, as I have said many times, I am not quite sure I would have come back to God. We helped each other to make that mutual decision two years ago.

1 Corinthians 7:17 The Message (MSG)

17 And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.

So I was told that I can’t be a leader of my home group, but now am being asked if I want to be a leader of another team within the church. Which requires a one on one meeting to discuss first. I have much trepidation and angst about the whole thing as I know that I am going to be asked to change my relationship in order to do so. Which is fully known that I won’t do that. So why would they even ask? It’s quite upsetting. Why are you setting me up for major disappointment. Have I not dealt with enough of that in my life as a gay person.  I really want the title of leader, and part of me says its just Pride getting in the way. Another part of me says that it could be a major lesson for a lot of people within the church. Funny thing is… it’s not really much of a leadership position as most of them are.. It’s really a minor leadership. But it is a stepping stone.

I have been told, have felt and its funny that I ran into a sermon today that mentioned that a title means nothing. It’s just our pride. We always want to have our name in lights. To be seen by others as being special. Being someone important. I don’t need a title to lead in the church. Nor do I need a title to minister, disciple, encourage others, to pray with or for others, nor do I need the title to inspire others. I can do all of that without the need of a title. I have felt that I am being told to just be humble. To turn down the offer and just be me. To not get caught up in it all. All that is small potatoes to what is in store for me. Besides as Francesca Battistelli sings it here.. I am famous in my fathers eyes, He knows my name.

It does still bother me that within the church, it is always about what man wants. Its not about what God wants. There are no conditions on the Grace and mercy of God, yet those conditions are always placed on me as a Gay man.

I strongly feel that me being a leader would be a major plus within the church. I think it would be saying that we don’t just talk the talk, but we walk the walk. When we say that we accept all that we mean it. I feel as though others who are struggling with forgiveness would look at me, as a Gay man in leadership and think to themselves, “If the gay man can be forgiven, accepted and be a man of God, then how much more am I forgiven and accepted for the things that I have done”.

Besides. It’s not my business what the single heterosexuals do or don’t do in their bedroom. Neither is it your business. Why being Gay is just associated with we are always having sex just boggles my mind. I don’t assume that you are always having sex and I really don’t care to know. I am a human. An individual. By being defined as gay does not mean that I am a pervert. Get over it already please.

Now don’t get me wrong. I see their side as well. There have been a few gay people in our church before we arrived. But we are the first couple. And our leaders are trying to fit that in and tread lightly. And I don’t blame them. I can totally see and understand their side of things as well. Trust me. I get that others within the church might also see me as a leader and would create a lot of angst within the church. Another reason why I believe I need to choose to just step back and humbly accept my position. Just to be who I am. Everyone seems to be fine with who I am. And I have received many praises from others that I inspire them for all that I do, and how I am always available.

I am pretty sure that I am not the only one dealing with this. I bet that every single one of you whom is Gay has experienced this.

How do you get past it or deal with it?

I just need to remember to Glorify God for all that He has done for me and for who He is. That my true title is an heir to His kingdom and a true child of God. That His blood covers me and my stupidity. That I just need to keep plugging along in service, in faith and in love for all others.

Please help me out and rate this post below. Thanks & God Bless!!