What a tough week this has been for me. I reached the end of my rope and sadness and with that I ended up cursing God at the top of my lungs, hating him, and telling him that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. But when I look back on it now, I wonder if I was just really more upset with myself or am I truly angry with him. I really thought and expected to be so much further in my walk with him, then I am. Part of my anger. And really.. deep within my heart, I knew and he knew that I really didn’t mean what I was saying. It was all just major frustration. But it was uncalled for and never should have crossed my thoughts or lips.
Really, It’s a bit of anger on both sides. But mostly on my side and as we all do, needing to take it out on someone else. Our pride gets the best of us. I’ll be honest and I’ll be upfront as I know many are struggling with the same thing. I still struggle with pornography, and that of course leads to thoughts of wanting to take it further which would lead to major destruction and penalties. Although it’s not the daily struggle that it used to be, I do still struggle with this about once a week. It sickens me and it disgusts me.
I have prayed, prayed, prayed and even pleaded with God, over and over and over to please just take the desire away from me. Obviously that isn’t working.. So I let it all out at him. Screaming at the top of my lungs,” Why won’t you take this away from me!!” Seems like we give the brunt of all our anger to God for not fixing us, instead of screaming at Satan for not leaving us alone.
I just don’t understand it all really. If He wants us all to be saved and truly does love us, why would he not take it away, or not allow us to be tempted by the evil one, if he knows where that behavior could lead us? I do know that when I give in, I immediately ask for forgiveness and continually turn back to Him. After all, where else would I go? And then of course, I cry and thank him for his payment of my debt. Perhaps that’s the only point He has right now. To make me see how much I/We really need Him. I do know that God is for us.. He is not laughing at us, or mad at us.. His interest really is what is best for us.
What is really strange, is I have found that when I wake up in the morning and tell Satan, “You are not going to get me today” that seems to be the day that I eventually end up giving in. Obviously when I call it out to him, he attacks me even harder. So I now am just going to give it to God. What happens, happens.
These last few weeks of giving in and not being able to control it, has sent me back into depression, which as we all know, has been the big topic this week due to Robin Williams suicide. Mind you, I am not in the deep and unrelenting depression that I had been in the past, but I do have the attitude that I just want to die. Just want to be done with it all. I honestly just hate it on this earth. NO.. I am not suicidal, but I really just want to be done with this world, which just seems to get worse and worse, and move forward to that better place reserved for me.
I keep asking myself, “Are you really depressed or just upset with yourself”. How can you possibly be so depressed? You live a very blessed and quite easy and kick back life. Not having to worry about paying the bills, you have a roof over your head. You have all the things that you could want or need. You have plenty of food on the table. It’s not like you live in a country where you are being kicked out of your home for being Christian, the threat of decapitation, torture, slavery, hunger, etc…. You have water, electricity, Air Conditioning and Heat..
That’s what depression is. It just is. I can’t really tell you what brings it on. It…. just is and it…. just does. It isn’t something you can control. Its feeling alone when your not, feeling unloved, even when everyone tell you they love you. Having no energy to do anything. Its staring at the television in a fetal position and not really paying attention to what your watching. Its your mind in a state of thinking yet thinking of nothingness. Its not caring about anything at all.. not even yourself. It’s a ball and chain that has you wrapped up in its links of bondage and holding you down or keeping you within its reach with all its weight.
There were quite a few hateful comments, even from people I knew, about Robin Williams and his suicide. That he was a chicken shit for taking the easy way out. Even on twitter, people belittled and harassed his daughter due to his suicide. She had to delete all her social media and to stop reading her email.
If you haven’t dealt with depression. You have no right to judge it. You DON”T understand it, but you need to.
If you have dealt with depression yourself and not thru someone you know and still thought Robin Williams was Chicken Shit, then you didn’t experience deep depression. And if you did, my apologies, but you should know better then to criticize.
Ben Irwin who is another blogger I read, had posted this below, and I couldn’t state it any better:
I don’t know what it’s like to seriously contemplate, much less attempt, suicide.
So what on earth would compel me to think I have the right to judge someone who has?
I can’t “stomach the thought of suicide” either (to use the words of a certain, notoriously offensive blogger). But that doesn’t give me the right to dismiss or diminish the experiences of those who can. Just the opposite. The fact that I can’t should be all the reminding I need that I have NO CLUE what it’s like to walk in their shoes.
So maybe I should just shut up and listen instead.
Read this post by Nish Weiseth in which she shares her own experience with depression and suicide. Or this one by Sarah Moon. Or this one by R.L. Stollar. If you are like me, then the fact that you can’t fully understand or relate to their stories is why you need to hear them.
Remember… depression is not “sin.” It is not a “spiritual issue.” The answer to depression or thoughts of suicide is not simply to “pray more” or “be more spiritual” or just “will yourself out of it.” To quote R.L. Stollar, “Mental health is as real and concrete as physical health and needs to be treated as such.”
Remember… those of us who don’t have direct experience with this kind of depression don’t have any framework for making sense of it. And the ones we construct are almost always misguided or wrong. To quote Nish Weiseth:
Depression is a clinically-diagnosed mental illness… It’s not selfish to struggle with depression. It’s not a lack of understanding about God and his creation. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Those who don’t struggle with depression, who don’t feel the ongoing darkness… they try to understand and make sense of it. Label it as selfish and the easy way out. Call the suicidal “cowards.” But that’s not the mind of a person in the grips of unrelenting darkness. When depression corners you like that, it makes you believe that suicide is joy. Suicide is relief. And in some instances, it makes you think that suicide is a blessing or a gift to others. It can feel like the brave and noble thing to do.
Depression is a terrible thing, like Nish said. But what’s even more terrible is to condemn or dismiss rather than support those who experience it. To chalk it up to a lack of faith on their part or a lack of dependence on God or whatever. To ignore the very real physical and chemical causes of (and treatments for) depression. To say it’s a “spiritual” issue, as if spirit and body are two separate things—as if one matters and the other doesn’t. (Hello, Gnosticism.)
Remember… if we haven’t walked in someone else’s shoes, then the best thing we can do is to follow Micah J. Murray’s advice and simply shut up and listen.
And if we say anything at all, may it be: You are good. You are loved. And we are here with you, no matter what.
Thru all my anger, yelling, hatred, depression and feeling sorry for myself; I have once again been put in my place.
I humbly bowed down and asked God and Jesus for forgiveness. To forgive my Anger. To forgive my pride. To forgive my stupidity. To forgive my unbelief. To give me the fervor to follow Jesus that I once had.
I know that God’s Love is unrelentless, and as he has done, more times then I truly deserve. He Loves me. He Forgives me. He Gives me unfathomable Grace and He gives me His endless Mercy.
I shouldn’t hate this life. He gave it to me for a reason. I just haven’t found it yet. Maybe there is nothing to be found. Maybe it’s just to be me. Maybe its not this big wonderful thing that I am meant to do, like I see in so many others at church.
And although I would like to live on this earth without this sin so I can have peace and freedom while here. I need to Just be me. Try to be good. Try to love. Try not to judge. Try not to get all caught up in being what I feel I should be. I may fail and I may fall, but one way or another; whether it be on this earth or in death. My sin will be overcome.